| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|02:51 am] |
Strange night. Just been in the garden and heard shouting down the road. The moon was incredibly bright and I watched a cloud roll slowly across it.
Earlier today went to see the Rudston monolith.
Never seen it before in snowy conditions or at this time of the day.
My family came from this area and this is one of my ancestors. She died in 1819.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2009|02:34 am] |
I'm not cool. I try but there's always a niggling neediness in me that overrides my better judgement.
I do know when I'm being uncool but cannot help myself right now.
it will pass tho.
I think I used to be a lot more cool but then I didn't care about anything and now I think I do but wish I didn't because not caring is cool.
My mobile phone is almost knackered.
Three of my Greek hoplites are gone and there is a blank canvas waiting to be filled with my genius. I've decided it is going to rock. I will paint a couple of sacrificial bulls. my soul will blossom across a thousand dark and brooding sacrifices. Monet and his silly lily pond will be nothing compared to this.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|02:15 am] |
Done some work on my swing song thing and I got it going a little better. Some weird shit at the end going up and down C major with a twangy minor strumming singing I'm so alone, don't go home, over and over.
Been listening to Neu! and repetition seems a good thing.
A guy got in touch about music. He digs my stuff and his sounds pretty weird so we may be meeting up to do some mad shit. Suggested discussing it over vodka.
Another even more talented fellow who's into Joy Division got back to me who will be free later in the new year.
It should be my new year resolution to get in a band of some sort. About time really. My 40s hit this summer.
Last band I was in was with Dooge and Charles. I remember leaving Dooge's funeral feeling ill walking down Chanterlands Avenue promising his ghost I'd make some music.
Having problems with... a French person again on ebay. Surprise, surprise!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|06:46 pm] |
This is where I wish you all a FUCKING AWESOME HAPPY XMAS! and thank you for being my buddies on here!!
Have a lovely time with your families or whoever and don't forget to raise a glass to absent friends :)
<3333333333333333333333333 |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|08:52 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Death in June - Mourner's Bench | ] |
Couple of things that got to me yesterday.
Coming down the escalator into the car park from Tesco the handrail's speed was set slightly faster than the steps and I was leaning on it so my top half kept being dragged forward leaving my bottom half behind and making me look really stupid.
It's these little things that will eventually tip me over the edge.
Also I was super aware of my sickly skinniness--kept seeing my gaunt, drawn face in mirrors, and felt really cold and separate.
I want to feel warm and connected. I want to smile at people and have them smile back. I want to feel attractive and alive. But instead I just feel so creepy all the time.
If I could just put on a stone or so I'd feel so much more comfortable in my skin. But I can't... it's frigging impossible. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|01:47 am] |
OK, so Christmas is essentially a pagan festival but a lot of the symbology we've attached to it is Christian. This is a good time to remember that the birthplace of Jesus is under brutal occupation and many of the natives are subject to injustice, racism and worse, daily.
Help break the siege. Support the Freedom March to Gaza.
http://www.gazafreedommarch.org/ |
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| Don't call me Mark Chapman. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|10:45 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Broadcast - I Found the F | ] |
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life: and life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
Say what you like about the bible and religion and all that patriarchal bullshit but the first lines of John are pretty mysterious and groovy and I would love to've met the author. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|05:23 pm] |
Posted a thing in this local mp3 chart I always enter tracks in asking if anyone there wants to collborate.
Putting an ad in gumtree asking if anyone wants to start an "experimental" electronic folk punk psychedelic hippy rave band.
Spotted this too. May chuck him a line.
http://hull.gumtree.com/hull/73/50381973.html
must get in a band, any band.
must get on stage and go mental. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|02:36 am] |
awww look! they're putting lithium in your water because it makes you all chilled out! awwwwww.
they really love you and care about you and want you to be happy.
and the fluoride is for your children's teeth. never mind those nasty conspiracy theorists who claim it actually rots teeth, attacks organs and impairs brain functioning.
they're not considering adding lithium. they've been adding it for a while now along with a ton of other toxins. don't these smiling sacks of shit make you sick? they do me. I guarantee they don't drink tap water. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|09:19 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Doors - When the Music's Over | ] |
Horrible emptiness and slight paranoia. Unsure about everything. Hanging by a thread insecure. Feeling drained after my unsettled tummy. It's making my head misbehave. Feels like senility. Terror. I'm just so not cool. Haven't slept well in a while. Eyes are more red than white, or feel it. But I laugh in the mirror. Went for a 1am walk down a dark cycle track and ran across a large empty field and screamed above the distant engines. At least I can't hear the clock tick out here. And the smell in my room. It's run through with smoky nights and people I never knew. Hot, thick and heavy-- full of connections and hope. That's why I got up early. Hope the sun shines today and thaws the ice. Hope the kids dance on fire tonight and make it happen before it's too late. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|03:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the doors - cars hiss by my window | ] |
My IT course thing was cancelled yesterday for some unknown reason and it really pissed me off. I've made the effort to get to every single mind-numbing class so far... when I didn't have to and when I was feeling rubbish and then they just go and leave me high and dry for the final lesson before Chrsitmas... and indeed 2010! I had visions of the nerds drunk with the season's good will accepting me into their club and all of us going out on a massive bender around town. Hmm. Shit, maybe they all did but told me not to come because I'm the strange semi-retarded oik at the back?
Nah.
I was annoyed though. The final lesson before Christmas is special. I was looking forward to that feeling you get walking out into the 4:30pm darkness after wishing everyone a merry christmas. That would've helped ignite my Christmas spark. But cruel fate stole it from me.
Instead I went to sign on in the morning. The lady was nice and asked me how I was doing. I told her the people at Working Link were filling me with optimism and indulging my more fanciful career ideas. She smiled and agreed they are indeed a decent outfit. I won't be seeing my gay mentor until next year now tho. I like him and I think he likes me. But not too much I hope. Heh. Last time I saw him I mentioned my interest in photography and he gave me the url of a previous client of his who'd passed thru this programme.
http://www.trevordavidbettsphotoblog.blogspot.com/
To be honest I think he's crap and should give up on photography. Mine are miles better. I think I may do photography at nightclass.
I don't know what lies ahead for me. I don't want to feel dragged around by others' ideas or by market forces. I need to stop seeing myself as a useless nobody and become more proactive. I'll do a couple of arty nightclasses in January and they'll give me points towards uni. idk.
Here is the view from the top of the building where I signed on.
Pretty!!!
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|02:47 pm] |
So all the guys are talking in class about general nerdy computer stuff and I decide to byte (get it?!) the bullet and try and join in. And it was as though I hadn't spoken! Everyone ignored me and carried on. This is why I don't bother! Everything I say is pointless and irrelevant. Or praps it is my delivery. I'm starting to feel ill and wiped out and feeble again. Just want to crawl into my shell like Mr. J. Copey. I'll go out at break and stand in the naughty smokers' shelter and not say nuffink to no one or anyfink.
Something must break!
You should see some of these dudes tho. Absolute textbook geeks. Dorksville City,
Arizona!!!!!!!!
God they sound sad. But nice. So very nice.
I think I'm dying.
And it doesn't even matter.
I don't matter.
Have to make myself matter.
But if I do that people will be all like oh this and that and blah blah blah all the sodding time.
Nice view from up here across the city.
I'm not well though. I have major issues that need ironing out. FEeling utterly wrong and ill at ease sat here. THese creases and wrinkles are probably too ingrained.
waaah.
Keep getting flashes of Saturday night. Did that even happen? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|06:17 pm] |
you guys are the best.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
Thanks for being my friends on here all this time, it means something to me.
i wish i could throw the slag of all parties tomorrow and invite you aaaaaaaall!!!!!!!!!!
I'll probably never meet any of you though.
Maybe that's what makes it so sweet, whatever it is.
Then again hardly any of you update now. Dunno what I'm on about. I'm just feeling all melancholy and lonely heheh! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|06:38 pm] |
Energy levels slowly rising after being zapped for years. I think. I dunno.
Certain things will always be wrong tho.
Don't know what to do. Half considering getting a dirty job and getting my own place, just to feel whole and to be around real people. I feel strong enough for this now. I think. I dunno.
I like people and people like me. Sorta.
But it's not exactly the direction I want. The novelty would soon wear off.
I could go to college and then university but for what?
Debt and then a shitty job.
I feel no drive to work towards any particular career and I can't just commit my ass for the sake of it.
No imagination or vision like the rest of the dumb British sheep.
Don't feel any calling. I really wish I did because there's a whole lot of spirit in me that just floats around, directionless. And time's passing by.
I should be thankful for the luxury of being able to sit back and consider my options. A lot of people don't have half the shit I do. People who've worked hard all their lives.
It's shameful.
Maybe I'm naive and should be more of a bastard.
I just want to get myself straight with the universe.
Also I'd like to know wtf is going on before i leave.
I'm sleepy and I just dozed off at my desk. I had a flash of a nice summer day a few years ago in a caravan right on the cliffs by the north sea.
It's all just impossible. There are too many terrible things in the way that trump any potential light. The occasional beauty that shows up and puts a spring in your step will always turn to shit and the general slide into the void begins where it left off.
the monsters playing deathball in my stomach and in my brain. Paranoia, imperfection and fear. Forever wonder. Full of regrets.
More voices in my head at the edge of sleep telling me to look up into the tree. Open my eyes and raise my head to stare at the screen. Haha Weird! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|08:18 pm] |
My head is mashed, there's no two ways about it.
It's just constant pain, confusion, panic and distance.
Feel like smashing in my skull with a concrete thing.
I can heal my body to a certain extent but I'll always have to live with being a fucking retarded spaz. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|05:46 pm] |
About to go for a bar meal thing with our kid and me mam and dad.
Ordinarily I would not risk it but I need some Yarky madness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|05:53 pm] |
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Nice bunch of guys on this course. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|04:39 pm] |
This big hairy-arsed bloke kept eyeing up my "HEAD GIRL" badge in the smokers' shelter.
Forgot I had that on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|04:16 pm] |
Sat in my IT thing. Just going to go out for a break with the cool people.
We're learning the ins and outs of Powerpoint. It's a cakewalk. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|12:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Doors - Indian Summer | ] |
Well, that was odd.
Just took a call from one of my mum's old friends.. our old neighbour, hot Samantha's mother.
She just wanted to speak to mum but obviously she's not in.
I stayed up all night last night and am feeling kinda Fried but we got to reminiscing on how fantastic my childhood was and how there are loads of kids in our old garden now playing just like we used to.
She said I'm so lucky to've had such an amazing childhood and to have such great parents and she's right.
Haven't seen her in decades and never spoken to her as an adult.
She sounded lonely and a little sad.
Wonder if that'll be me someday?
I remember their house; it always smelled of coffee and pipe tobacco.
Ah, forgot to ask after Derek.
I'm off to have a cigarette on the garden swing thing before I leave for that stupid IT thing.. alone and not alone <3 It's not too bad outside.
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